So what ??

No Wedding Party — No Wedding Party; So what ?!

I will travel outside Egypt and enjoy a nice trip instead, then go to do 3OMRA  after and that’s quite fair I think. yes It is fair Enough.

This

is

My

Last

Decision ..

And hmm well … ” No consequences in advance, you only know the consequences when the line is crossed and a decision is made.”   – Pyke Kubic in CA$H movie –

 

May Allah help me to not Regret this dangerous fateful decision.

Note : I will not listen to anyone or any thing but the voice in my head and the satisfying that in my heart.

 

Motherhood

Eliza is a full time housewife, she ’s a mother of two kids.

Suddenly; Eliza finds herself doing the same things in the same ways everyday from the time she wakes up untill the time she goes to bed. And she can’t cope anymore, she can’t stand herself doing a series of small repetitive actions.

Finally she collapsed and decided to leave the city.

With a very angry face Eliza left the city on her way to New Jersey then took this huge step back after she had picked up the call from her husband who was trying to rescue their kid and kick a lollipop out from his throat then the writer actually took us to a very nice conversation in trying to show her husband’s understanding although he was very busy and always not at home but I liked his lines so much, they were short, specific, a bit funny and absolutely they were having an Aim.

The Funny thing is; while I was watching the conversation I imagined the Scenario not by Uma therman and Anthony Edwards but by an Egyptian couple :) It would definitely lead to different Results.

Let’s see the conversation :

Eliza: What could possibly possess you to give a toddler a known choking hazard?

Avery: Don’t lecture me, Eliza.

I could just as easily lecture you.

Eliza: Really? For what?

For doing all the idiotic errands?

For listening to mothers in the park who need to be medicated? While you get to go to work with real adults and have normal adult conversation.

Avery: Oh, yeah, like having Morris ream me out

because I had to leave work to take care of Lucas?

You mean those kind of normal, adult conversations?

Eliza: You got an envelope at home today,by the way.

Some messenger guy delivered it.

Avery: Oh, yeah, right.

Eliza: He…

He helped me carry my bags upstairs,and so I let him come in for a while.

Avery: You what?

Eliza: I let him come in,and he blew up balloons.

Avery: You let a messenger come into our apartment and decorate for our daughter’s birthday?

Eliza: His name was Mikesh,and he was just being nice.

He looked at me like I was a person who might still have something worthwhile to say.

Avery: I always tell you that you have something worthwhile to say.

You…

You need a stranger to tell you that?

Was he good-looking or…?

Eliza: He looked at me like I might still be somebody worth looking at.

Avery: How could you not know that you’re worth looking at?

Were you attracted to him?

Were you?

Eliza: It’s just that you never look at me that way anymore, Avery.

Avery: Do you look at me that way?

Eliza: No, not really. Not enough.

But I still love you, Avery.

I really love you, but…

Avery: But what?

Eliza: It’s just that

every day from the second I wake up till the second I pass out cold,

my day, like the day of almost every other mother I know, is made up of a series of concrete, specific actions. And they’re actions that kind of wear away at passion, if you know what I mean.

The actions are petty and small like…

Like refilling coffee cups or folding underwear.

But they accumulate in this really debilitating way that diminishes my ability to focus on almost anything else.

Bigger things like, you know,

ideas or… politics or dreams of a better life.

Avery: Well, what would be a better life?

It wasn’t always my ambition to supervise a team of fatuous liberal arts graduates and edit their copy about traveling to places that we can’t afford to visit.

When we had Clara, I got a job with healthcare and a little bit of flexibility. It was a decision that we made.

We made the decision together. So I got a job that I can tolerate.

No more, no less.

You’re not the only one who’s made sacrifices, Eliza.

Eliza: Well, that still doesn’t explain why you can’t pick up your socks.

Avery: What do my socks have to do with it?

Eliza: Your socks have everything to do with it!

Avery: Eliza, all I wanted you to do in that piece was to stop hiding behind irony because it comes so easily to you.

I want to know what you really think.

I want to know what you really feel.

What makes you want to live a life with passion,
no matter how many socks you have to pick up.

What about that?

 

 

He was (quiet). She was honest. He helped her to understand what’s going on and to express her feelings by a positive way. He didn’t yell. He didn’t change the main subject.
He didn’t lose control.
He understood her and made her smile at last.
What A Man!

Happiness is a State of Mind

Happiness is a state of mind so I have to have a plan to make life much easier than it is now

As Mr. Burke at “Love happens” Movie said “Life gives you Lemons” and when that happen you have two options:

You can make Lemonade or Sour look

So under the conditions that I face nowadays; the un useful empty unbalanced sucked life I live since this golden circle piece of metal wrapped my finger, I became so much nervous, bored, saddy, and quiet in a very melancholic way.

That’s because I left my job, my one and only way to earn money, dignity and to feel respected and self confident.

I left it to become a house wife cause My fiance wanted that and believe it or not that’s his only wish from life. huh!

In his standards; being a house wife is the perfect way of living for a woman. Well, Now I’m nothing but broke and empty Because I fulfilled his wish .. Screw me!

I feel like I’m losing my spirit, my kefi as the Greek people say.

I feel like I’m walking on the runway and suddenly one of my high heels broke and I have two options:

Stand up quickly and smartly without being noticed by anyone pretending that I’m okay and continue walking with a face head high or ..

Every one would laugh at me and I will become the most stupid dumbest person ever, I will become the clown of the national Circus.

In my inner I don’t want to be a house wife

Some person eating, sleeping, snoring without getting paid.

The visible money, these pieces that make life worth living …
hey STOP! Stop it! I know what you’re thinking ..

Now you’re thinking that I’m selfish and I don’t understand the meaning of taking care of a husband and a baby comes later.

I do appreciate the married life and the whole meaning of giving giving giving thing but I’m talking about my future, my arranged plans, my twenty four years of learning and studying to become a person that matters..

Can’t blow that away

We must take under consideration that the success at work and social life leads to the success at home. It just need a grain of luck and a grain of patience and It would be perfect,

Hmm well not that perfect, I mean smart enough to deal with the both sides of life

Otherwise, Women; we will live in hell !!

About myself; I will burn slowly if I continue moaning between me and myself,
If I continue mumbling the two lines repeatedly and desperatly everyday;

I don’t belong to this life.
I miss participating to the world.

But No… I have a faith that I’m not one of these actors in “LOST” series, I will make a new fully hard plan and bear the consequences, I will do something will change the world for the better.

I will do something makes me feel happy because making Lemonade will always be my choice.

All about Aiman

أحب عينيك اللتين تلونا بلون حبة اللوز، أحبهما وأحب طلتهما على وجهي وأعشق نعم أعشق طرفة جفناك عندما تطرفا طرفتهما البطيئة

ويسحرني ثغرك عندما يمتلك إحساسي ويذوب ويصبح جزء مني و من وجداني

وتأخذني أناملك إلى آخر الكون ويذهب عقلي و يتوه وينسى عقارب ساعة الزمان
وكأن هذه الأنامل تحمل أفيون، تحمل أخطر أفيون يخدر كل تفكيري ويحملني إلى السماء، أرقص و ألهو مع النجوم

ويعذبني صوتك في الليل عندما تهمس وكأنك تهمس لتقتلني بنوبة قلبية

ويأرقني ويزيد من أرقي عندما يهمك أمرا غيري أو يشتت عقلك شيئا آخرا غير مداعبتي

ويضحكني عدم مبالاتك عندما نقوم سويا بخوض موقفا خطيرا

ويجملني و يكملني وجودك بجانبي ويثيرغيرة الآخرين عندما دوما تعانقني

وتذهب بشتات عقلي عندما تغضب، تعند، تمل، تكل، تنقد، تتنهد ألما، تصرخ تفصح شيئا من الماضي

ويثيرني ويجذبني عطرك فإن هذه الزجاجة حتما تعرف جيدا كيف تمتزج مع عنقك صدرك يدك ملابسك لتيقظ في شغفي ورغبتي في إفتعال المواقف لأجد فرصة أستطيع فيها ملامستك

ويفزعني عندما تعقد حاجبيك وتباعد بين فكيك ويعلو و يهبط لسانك متمتما كلمات لا أفهمها

ويسكرني ويرنحني ملامستك لشعري الذي يمتد إلى أسفل ظهري
وعندما تباعد بين خصلاته لتلمس عنقي أو تمتد أكثر لتلامس أذني أكون أنا تجرعت من الخمر ما يجعلني لا أشعر بأي مفصل من مفاصل عظامي

ويعتصر قلبي حزنا و ألما عندما تمسك بين أصابعك لفافة التبغ و تشعلها و كأنك تشعل في قلبي أنا النيران بدلا منها وأختنق و لا أستطيع التنفس كلما أدرك أن مع كل شهيق لدخانها تقترب أنت يوما من نهايتك

فما حالي عندما تبعدك عني هذه اللفافة! فلتقترب نهايتي أنا قبل أن يأتي يوما لا أشعر بذراعيك يطوقوا جسدي

أحبك أحبك أحبك ولا أحتمل أي نوع من أنواع الفراق فقد فارقتني السعادة منذ أمد بعيد وفارقني أعز صديق وفارقني القريب فلن أسمح أبدا للدنيا أن تفرق بيني و بين حبيب يسعدني ويصاحبني ويربت على كتفي ويكون لي أقرب قريب

أحبك سأظل أرددها مع كل دقة من قلبي، مع كل شهيقا و زفيرا وكل طرفة من عيني وحتى في أحلامي

أحبك و سأظل أكتب و أروي القصص عنا

أحبك و أشكر عيناك التي تتبعتني فسأحبها دوما فقد قدمت لها كل قرابيني

Promises

My Engagement Day

Thursday, 19 Nov, 2009

 

 

If being crazy means living life as if it matters,

 Then I don’t care if we are completely insane.

{ Revolutionary Road }

 

 

 

Letter without A Reply

Dear …..,

I do not know where to start or what are the proper words I should say for I can write them down without mistakes ..

I just wanted to tell you that I’m so obsessed with fairytales, I enjoy the moments that deport me from Reality and headed me to the Romanticism;      

The moments that open the gate for the flowing River with its rare flowers on each side that flows from my mind to embrace my soul with their Ecstasy, with their soft incense ..

I could be haunted with things people say they’re old fashion or they became some kind of antique,

I could taste the beauteousness in the simple figures, that leads me to gasp the air that full my lungs to the fullest then breathe it out in sobs and sighs wondering how could I translate what I saw in letters then sentences or into some poetic lines,

So I scratch my brain and stay for long in solitude and silence suffering from a burning mind and tied tongue as I’m not educated the much that let me inform the paper of the words that I should write; For all I have is a feeling winnowing by the winds of the melancholic Reality,

My eyes plays a distinct role in this Drama, the eyes that you praise them as much as you praise a passionate kiss from a virgin lass, They constantly need to hug the landscapes with their sight, to see the fields with green, to see the hills and the slopes surrounded with flowers pink and red and white ..

But they constantly need to be kissed to sleep as well; for none of what I told you they ever seen,

It is only anguish that aches their lids and imprison each one away from the other,

I may refer this to my name, as I always observe that the most beautiful colour of Iris is the bluish-purple, The colour of Saddening !

Forgive my blueness, I envy your optimistic way of thinking, your practical mind but I do not know why for a moment I thought you will be the immortal messenger of  the letters that I have always waited for ..

My inspiration and My feelings both were anxious for hearing from you,

Your messages were intensely desirable, were the spark that lighted my mind to imagine a fairytale would last forever,

Your Eyes and their undefined colour were and still a mystery I crave to unfold and it took me long time to discover; Could your smile relate to those eyes?! Could this smile with its pure serene relate to those mystic caves?!

But the answer is still some dots and some exclamation marks …. !!!!
Though In my fantasy I know you well, In Reality you’re still unknown.

Yours,
Sp!r!t.

 

I wished to get A Reply, I wished to get A single Response to
my feelings, my yearning, my Letters ..
A single sign to keep on dreaming of Fairytales,
To keep on seeing myself with my beloved as A story among the Books of Tales,
Wished to stand more than this;
And Face off the consequences of being Alone ..
But I gave up!

My Love, My Soulmate, My Fantasy
Adieu!

 

 

Insanity

Monday, 28 Sep, 2009

4:15 am

I feel so much alone

I want to cry

I feel naked; feel as if monsters kidnapped mostly of my organs,

I barely breathe, barely feel warmness!

I ‘m telling so after I had switched off the light of my room, went to bed at 4:15 am then went back again to switch it on after I had felt that everything around me even time is going to suffocate me slowly!

Enough to shut the lights to see ghosts attacks me,

All wants a piece of my brain, And believe What! I’m an easy catch ..

I felt a funeral in my brain,
        And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
        That sense was breaking through.

What “Emily Dickinson” said in this poem, I had it all yesterday, that’s exactly what I felt.

And a strange dialog started to form itself as if I were with a shrink!

Started of me saying …

I’m not happy!

 Shrink- What makes us happy?

Me- Satisfying, But I’m satisfied of what I have, So why then I’m not happy! Why my brain can’t stop thinking? When will it shut?

Shrink- Why do you want it to be shut?

Me- For I can sleep, It’s our nature, we sleep to have rest.

Shrink- Yes, correct but we ..

Not you,

You only want the time to pass to start a new dawn, new day, and new sunshine to continue digging in new faces, and following some new traces, for you think you may find the person you’re looking for. To stop the curse of being alone at night.

You’re scratching every portion in your brain, squeezing it to find a comfortable chamber to stay in for trying to find a moment of quiet and sound but you couldn’t…

You hate nights.

Me- Well… I do hate Nights, yes, And A lot of people do so

Shrink- Yes, True.

We all sometimes hate nights

We;

BOTH

Single and Married

 

{Moment of Silent}

 

Shrink- What do you want?

To get married?

Me- Yes

Shrink- Why?

Me- Stability.

Shrink- Stability, hmm…

Marry to someone, kiss on the cheek in the morning, making love at night, having children later, that’s stability!

Me- Yes, that’s stability

Shrink- So what !

You think after Marriage, you will not spend nights drowning in your lonesome!

Me- I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

Shrink- Again you want to pass the time to keep dreaming of a moment you may find it as an adventure to you,

A box you will open and happiness you will find!

Me- Yes, hell yes, what’s wrong with having hope for a better life?

Hope is healthy, makes us continue living and pass the hard times!! What’s wrong with that?

Shrink- See!! You’re now predicting something; this something is delightful and shiny,

You bid your brain to cook an illusion and you name your new plate A hope

And perhaps the taste is good, perhaps it’s not.

You don’t give a damn, you eat, chews, and swallow and you grew old day by day, every time you want a new plate, wants more and more to nourish your self with selfishness,

Stop using the same Equation,

Stop calculating every thing happens in your life!

And don’t you dare to equate the billions thoughts that branched out intensely from your insane head with the wisdom about looking for your treasure,

Because the more you look for it, the more you get lost,

And you would be slowly driven to insanity and twisted mind

And if I came as a wiser once,

I will come as a manipulator later.

Photography VS Poetry

 

A Collection of Some Inspiring Brilliant Shots Captured By A Friend of Mine

 

The Enchanted Bird 

Don’t you see me yet?

I’m the beautiful one with the longest neck

I walk in pride,

I hush and hide

But In My Fantasy;

You are the Noble Enchanter,

I’m the Princess in her Royal Velvet

Then you hit,

Coquette;

With your Magical Stick.

——————————————————

Sailing Away

 

Move the oars so strongly,

Sail across the sea

May be you reach a place

Where you find the Ecstasy.

——————————————————

No Sailor No Life

 

I stand and thinking

I search and got disappointed

I ask and No Answer

Where is my other half?

And all is here are empty boats

And all is here is Silent.

——————————————————

Leaping beyond the Winds

 

Fly my little wings

Fly and hit the sky

Cause here is dusky and a little bit bleak

And up there you may find the green bay;

The Slopes covered with flowers that you always seek.

——————————————————

 Strange Similarity

The Boat, My Boat

The only colorful thing in my gray world

Your Sailor shaped you well

And colored your oaken wood,

Then abandoned you here Roughly

Alone with your Solitude

 
Wings, My Wings

You who have soared me above the Ocean

Now you harbored here without a sweet Emotion

Did the immense sky swear,

That you will flutter No more

And become a homeless bird  for Infinity

Or It’s written in your destiny,

That you will roost in this hopeless boat,

And become to him the companion and the friend

Now I see and observed

How much the boat and I;

Were became to this such similarity .

The Distress Call

Mayday Mayday Mayday, This is me me me Mayday me, position 000 North 000 East “Middle of No Where”. My Boat is sinking. I require immediate assistance, only me on board. OVER.

Shortly before this…

No

Please No

Don’t leave me

I love you,

I never felt this way to anyone before; I’m totally immersed in love with you

You are the only connection to me to reality; I and my life will shut if you’re gone

Ah!

My breath will go in vain; My heart will be ceased its chiming

What would I do in the absence of my whole existence, in the absence of you?!
With what I will continue living? For what? And why and where??
Without you my one and only, without you my reason for being.

Do not replace the “O” with the “E” and “A”,
Say I’m loving you then slam my ears to not hear you saying I’m leaving you.

For God sake! My life will sink into meaningless and meaningless will pull me down and down into the ocean floor then I will be embraced only by Nothingness.

Hey, Do not linger if you will leave
Stab me with the butcher’s knife and give me the infinite relief
Because being embraced by Nothingness is better than breathing without you here.

I am sorry, Farewell, he said…

And into the ocean he jumped, fighting the waves, the long distance to the shore or to another boat perhaps it could behold him or he could find his salvation on.

And then there is Me!
My heart is burning, my joyful memories in ashes lie,
My boat is sinking and I;
Want nothing but my last resort!

But things are made by the law divine…

And while I was saying Adieu to the world,
I saw a floating light coming towards me, it was iridescent!

It was the most beautiful light my eyes have ever seen…
It hugged my sight and conjured the hope inside me.

Then in a blink, it vanished!

Then I said No

Please No

Don’t leave me

I love me, I never wanted “Me” “My life”  like this way before

I’m totally wants to live again.

My life is the only connection to me to love; I and my heart will blossom again.

Mayday Mayday Mayday, This is me me me Mayday me, position 000 North 000 East “Middle of No Where”. My Boat is sinking. I require immediate assistance, only me on board. OVER.

Mayday Mayday Mayday, I want my life back, OVER.

I don’t want to die, OVER

I don’t want to die, OVER

 
Please, Find Me, OVER.

 

This scene is simply reflects the dangerous situation I was living,
Reflects 24 years in my life!
I lost 24 years in my life pursuing something intangible, digging in the illusionary thinking in a try to get or predict a conclusion in order to determine which road I will take, which road can make my life much easier and happier,
I was living these years in a constant wondering about;

When I’m going to be hit —– by the enchanter’s stick

But instead of this, I have been bashed, smashed into the great wall of Solitude and Nervousness.

But thankfully, I realized that I will not spend the rest of my life searching for the love of my life,

I will survive myself from the illusion of searching because I’m not a rat and life Ain’t a maze, and of course love is the strangest thing it could ever happened to someone.

So from now on

If I had a dream it would be for my success in life

If I wanted a hug, I will hug myself tight

If I needed to talk, I would ink my words and write them down

And If I felt the weakness one day again, I will sail across the sea and move the oars so strongly because that’s the place where I begun while my weakness was trying to end me,

And instead of falling asleep forever, I fell awake.

Good bye July… August, Please be nice

Good bye July… August, Please be nice

Saturday,25 July, 2009

It’s been a long month, really…

A long cheerless dolorous melancholic month,

Started of 9 Jul the first anniversary of my father’s passing and ended hopefully today.

Yes it is July, I remember that my father was always telling me that he doesn’t like those two months {July & August) in the year and he always Waited them with anticipation to end.

Telling me; Sawsan those two months are like hell, the town became so crowd and lousy because of people who works in the rich Arab countries, they comes in particular in this two months with their huge GMC cars and Choking us,
When this people gonna leave us alone…

Hmm dad, you are the one who left, left us in this dreary world alone and bare, I hope you found now the better convenient place for you, hope you found heaven and rest forever in peace.

Well, my house has been in a mess in the past few days.
Every one has a problem and something fateful gonna change his life forever,

Starting with my eldest brother who for some stupid reasons will be prevented from entering the last exam in his Egyptian Board after five heavily years of studying and working in surgical operations as he is a doctor, and he is now negotiating with the person in charge, hmm… Actually Begging!!

And my youngest brother who graduated finally from his high school and here it came the time which he should decide which college he wants to join it.

Me…

I’m living inside my head and that’s my problem, I know my self well and I’m living with this without making any move to change my way of thinking but something should happen to me from time to time to remind me that I should think out side the box, I should think and expect the good behavior and the bad one from people               

I trust people; I genuinely trust people, I trust their words and their promises and not just that, I go farther in thinking that leads me to say “I believe in”

Believe in their promises; believe in them while I should believe only in myself cause every time I get hurt

(I will add a word “BADLY” because I’m so sensitive I get hurt easily and badly)

May be I should slow down in drawing castles and making a fake Empire of trust because obviously; not all people like Lord Melbourne, as he was a good friend and a great advisor to queen Victoria.

Hmm, Finally My poor Mom who suffering badly from high pressure, hot atmosphere and the absence of her Mixer!!

And recently just yesterday night she received unexpected call from her fellows telling her that her mother {My Grandma} passed away…

What a chock !

That was “The straw that broke the camel’s back”

Everyone went in a deep silence,

Our brains shut down, our bodies lied idle
and the clock had ceased their chiming and every breath seemed to be wasted…

Death again

Again death !!

At this time I felt Emily Dickinson’s words seemed to be switched on my brain again;

Because I could not stop for death,
He kindly stopped for me,
The carriage held but just ourselves
And immortality.
We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

This poem shows that death is not to be feared since it is a natural part of the endless cycle of nature,

And the poet “Emily” was optimistic about her ultimate fate and appeared to see death as a friend…

That was the overall theme of this poem Such as the analysts said and that’s exactly what I feel now…

I realized that death should be acceptable in our lives because the intertwinement of life and death.

And we are meant to lose the people we love.

And about the problems and the successive events we face everyday in our lives; I think we have to be satisfied with everything happens to us because everything happens it happens for a reason and as they say ..

“Every cloud has a silver lining”.