My Life came to A Halt

Hello,

It’s been a while since I last wrote

I was distracted by stupidity, an immense amount of stupidity but I’m fine now, I struggled as much as I could,

I think I’m back to my quiet lonely life now
I’m back to my usual routine – {Back to Monotony}

Thank God that Everything run its course ..

Just Now I can write with a clear mind, About the past few days ..

I was fighting to survive among A chain of Galaxies that kept spinning around me, Narrowing the circle till I was this close from Madness and Losing Control !!

But by the End; I scored A high level on Resistance and A very Low level on curbing my nerves from Exploding

So Here’s the Question ..
Could any body tell me please What on Earth makes a family push so hard on an orphan girl whose father had passed away to accept an old traditional proposal from someone who hardly had an interested subject to talk about ?!!

Well.. This poor orphan is Me and this family is Mine

Shame on them All

I said No, then A hail of bullets started to hit me as if I was a criminal or something;

And every bullet was headed to destroy a special thing in me

Bullet to My Ambitious, Bullet to My Talent, Bullet to My Feelings, My own Dreams ..
A strong Bazooka to my heart where I have the most great ideas for Love, different loveliest ones ..

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

That was my Action,

A very hard long tough “No”,
I screamed as if I was a fat actress singing in the Opera or so;

But the Audience here were the Neighbors .. lol

And all that serial Fighting Remains nothing but Confusion; cause hey ! I don’t give up easily, I’m unruly girl .

So please Disturb Not my Dreams
Disturb Not my Green Flourishing Slopes in my head

But I wonder Why all this ?!

All of this because he is Rich ! and have a political position !! Okay shit;
I don’t care ..

I don’t care for such things, I just need someone who can feel the Romanticism, “A Love Seller”

Yes A Love Seller Who give love without getting paid, someone has different way , different ideas as mine, someone I crush with him at the first sight, Not a Motionless one !!

I may not find him, May be he does not exist,

I may actually end up old toothless women with grey hair and wrinkled skin before I saw him, but it is okay with me

I can wait; I can wait in the hope that I see him one day because it feels so damn Right when you are 100 % sure with this someone who will share you his life and his everything

I know that years must go by in sad uncertainty, First

God knows for How Long !

And How Strangely is this ?! But we can’t accept the wrong lest we become lonely .. Am I Right ?

Well, I want to say that I just needed some Supporting, Encouragement instead of fighting this trivial Battles;
Someone tells me that I did the right choice; and following my heart’s voice is a good thing.

I don’t give a damn if he was Mr. Right { In their Standards ) or
Mr. Wrong or Mr. James Bond even !

Hellooo, This is a whole life, A high price one way ticket ..

Oh God .. They were talking about My Happiness !! ,

My Happiness !!!!

I can’t say YES to everyone at everything as Jim Carrey in “ Yes Men Movie “ , I can’t please everyone ..

And as my friend said to me once “ Trying to please everyone is a well proven formula for Failure and Misery “

So I must feel that he deserve this high price,

I must take into consideration the fact that this ticket with No Return !!

I must be happy when I’m with him, I want to be happy in my married life ..

Hmm, I’m not just scrawling some words all over the paper here, I told you all a true story about fighting to survive and surviving to move on and wait, and waiting for one Reward

Please if anyone already having his Reward please appreciates what you have, Think first before losing it or blowing the things up

It is a Precious precious Gift, A heavenly boon ..

And for whom waiting, I’m still waiting with you people

I have nothing further to do !!

The Guy I Don’t even know his Name

 The Guy I Don’t Even Know his Name

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The day started with a song “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” to “Shirelles“ cause I assigned it to be the Alarm on my cell phone to wake me everyday at 7:45 Am,

“Shirelles” were an American girl group in the early 1960’s which I adore the 60’s songs,
They are absolutely fascinating, Who doesn’t love oldies anyway ?!!

After 15 minutes of rolling in my bed as usual, I finally got up…

Went to the bathroom, did the usual stuff I do every Morning then dressed quickly…

But not for going work,

Today I took it off, I had something different to do; I had to renew my driving license ..

So I just took a sip of my tea and quickly ran down the stairs to catch up the appointment ..

I drove my car almost for 5 minutes as I live in a small town, then in a quick I arrived at the place I want ;

But I took 10 minutes to find a spot to park my car and finally I found one, Thanks God for that ,

While I was stepping out of my car, A guy shouted on me telling ..
“This is my spot”, After a second or so, I Realized that
he is an Apricot seller !

I did nothing but showing a big wide smile on my face telling him
“I won’t be Late” and left him mumbling words only God knows what he said .. lol,

Hmm,

To renew a driving License in my country, you have to do a series of hard steps ;

The first one is to go to the court building to know how many traffic violations you did and pay for them,

And that what I was doing today,

After I had left the Apricot seller I headed to the court building, took the elevator seven Floors above the ground then walked a long long hall then I found myself alone with from 20 to 25 guys waiting their turns in front of a tiny window and they weren’t in Line,
It was just a mess…

I waited and waited till the guy behind the tiny window
“It called Mr. George by the way” noticed me and realized that I was struggling to survive among these sweaty old disgusting men,

He asked for my name, took my license and told me that I will wait the prosecutor to decrease the money that I will pay, so again I waited…

While I was waiting among this chaos, suddenly the crowd started to shrink to allow someone to pass,

But who the hell is he to make them do such shrinking that quickly ?!!

Well I didn’t care, I just enjoyed these seconds and tried to breathe some fresh air but the sudden silence made me carious and pushed me to raise my head up a little because at this time I was picking up my purse because it had fallen,

I rose up my head slowly to find myself standing in front of two splendid outstanding handsome guys !

I froze for a while, gazing on them and saying to myself  ..
{ Am I in heaven } !!

It was so hilarious but hey…

Don’t think me that I’m over reacting No, please No…
It was just like finding two oases in the desert… lol

After a while I understood that one of them is  ..!! Guess who ??

The prosecutor and the other is his friend then the prosecutor asked Mr. George with a strong tough layer of his voice to finish all the necessary papers to his friend immediately…

Poor me…
I wished to be his friend too at that moment,

Then in a glance his friend stood in front of me and I was standing in front of him, only inches between us;
He looked at me by wondaring eyes so did I, Then I don’t know why it turned to a stare !

The chemistry did its Interactions !!
I felt like Spring at that moment ..
Could this be true ? Could spring skip summer, autumn and winter and come again to flourish the place suddenly just like that ?!!

Hmm .. I have no idea !!

I swear I heard “James Blunt” singing his song “You’re Beautiful”
And in particular,
This part…

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

Then I woke up to Reality again and went to pay the money I have to pay to get the last paper and ..

Surprise ! Surprise ! He came after me and stayed till I finished,

We even shared a joke and I think he laughed…

Then I left the room and waited in the hall for someone to bring me back my license and guess what?? He left the room and stood in the hall too, laying his perfect body on the wall,

Then I heard the guy calling my name , gave me my License and finally it was time to leave,

I did nothing but finding a way to pass among the crowd leaving that scene behind even without a peek to say good bye with the eyes, hoping he will follow me as we see in the Romantic Movies,

I walked the long hall slowly and I didn’t take the elevator, again I was hoping to hear this word “Wait”…

But I realized that I’m not in A Movie and these things never happened in the Real Life and I can’t undo all the time I’ve wasted in leaving to get back to him,
I left ..
And he headed on the other direction and each one went to his separate Life.

Do you remember this Movie { The curious case of Benjamin Button } when Daisy asked Benjamin about what he was thinking and he said ..
I was thinking how nothing Lasts ..
Then she looked into his eyes and said {Some things Last)
Yes that’s true Some things Last,
Moments like these last forever ..

Hmm ..
By the way when I went to my car I found the guy “ The Apricot seller “ still mumbling words !!

Well I drove my car and left as the Mission was accomplished .

And that what happened today and this is the story about the guy I don’t even know his name.

The 7 Things I like about you

The 7 things I like about you

1- Your Artistic view, The way you see things and appreciate them so well and how much it is amazing when you makes us see the beauty of this Universe thru your adoring eyes.

2- The Warmth in your voice and how this bring tears to my eyes and every time you start to sing I breathe out , I sigh , A sigh of relief  ..
I feel that your lilting voice is touching gently every fiber in me,

As every tone melts my soul slowly then exploding a combination of the most romantic emotions I have ever had or felt before.

3-  The way you talk and the way you listen,
It is  pretty good to find someone care, someone show you the light when darkness is all around and falls deeper and deeper,
Where in this time could we find such a person ?

Hmm, well ..
I found you.

4- The way you show how much you are so self-confident and the impression you always leave is that you are capable to do everything in this world just because you have ..

- A new different idea,
- Two hands wants to build the structure of a golden frame,
- And a Dreamy heart filling this precious frame with everything you want it to be happen.

5-  Your New Things ..

Every day you show up with a new conversation, a new story, new joke, a whole new person,

I never felt that I’m boring however you every day finds out something special in me,

You opened my eyes for things I never known in my personality before.
I remember someday I was feeling frustrated,
I was confused, so lost and you didn’t ask why…!!

People ask all the time
How are you?
Are you okay?
Is it something wrong?

And the usual answer the automatic one comes at once and we say,

I
am
Fine

I am Fine

This repeatable uncomfortable answer ..

Remember ..

“Elizabethtown”
The Movie ..
“Drew Baylor” { Orlando Bloom } kept saying
I’m Fine  .. I’m Fine .. I’m Fine  although he was in the Middle of his grief on his father’s Death.

So  “I’m Fine “ , In fact it ain’t an answer !

But you didn’t
You didn’t ask me that day
You acted another different situation

You just opened a window to my imaginary world,
You just set a bird free.

6-   hmm, here it comes { The nicest thing } ..

Has anyone told you before that you say “ Okay ” in the most magnificent way I have ever heard ..

I love it
I love it
I love it

7- This one should be to your adorable smile and to your outstanding laugh,
An hundred years should go to praise this smile,
Two hundred to adore each cheek,
But thirty thousands to satisfy my eyes from looking at your delighted face.

And this was the last one but of course not least ..

So, to be continued  ..
Cause I’m pretty sure that there are more beautiful hidden things,
I don’t know about them yet.

Infinite Magic

Your Eyes can’t lie

No can’t lie

They are Innocent, Florescent

Glowing in the Dark

Glowing from Optimism, Passion and Desire

But Most of All is Love

They are Extracting joy from life

Expending their brightness in vain

I myself hovered into your eyes

And in a quick, you erased all my pain

 

Your voice can’t hurt

No,

Can’t ever hurt

Neither your song

It is all about Love

And it will always echoes in my thoughts and in my heart

It was soothing me

Taking me to the imaginary Fairies Land

Flying me to the farthest skies

You and Me

Hand to Hand

 

Your touch

I never known

Poor me

I never known

Never savored its dove

Never been attached to your skin my Love

 

Your lips is a hunting arrow

Kept hunting my feelings endlessly

Its molasses entrapped me

Entrapped my heart beats’ privacy

Oh, I ache for this Intimacy

I ache for this Intimacy 

 

Alas !!

I thought you are my shelter,
My Night’s whisper

I thought you are Me

Finding my soul Finally

And no more my tired body will live in Solitary

 

I thought a thousand thoughts

A thousand ideas

A thousand laughs I will share it with you

A thousand words

A thousand letters I will write you

A thousand Moments that I will miss,
your eyes and everything attached to them

 

I may be Simple

I may be Quiet

I may be a dreamer

I may be a tiny star unnoticed among the nearing ones whose brighten your night

But I have my own eyes

And they are all I have

And I saw the kindness in yours

I saw clarity

I saw the magic go infinity

 

I saw Heaven

And sensed by my face a magical breeze

I saw a Poet, An Artist

But Alas, My Love

I’m not your Masterpiece .

Tattered Spirits

The hours seems endless

Darkness is the only thing here

Except the dim light from my last candle
whose consuming to exist

I thought I could write before it gone

But all I got here is an empty sheet,

And a full bottle of ink

I’m lost as my candle

I’m torn as my sad odes

He tore my heart in sunder

In love senseless game

No words could describe such a pain,

Such a shame

And oft in my solitude I sigh

And oft I remember his voice and cry

Till I heard a plea ..

I opened my window

I can see and I can hear

Other lost spirits

Walking, walking to and fro

Calling me to join them

And share them their despair

Beneath the moon’s pale beams

Among the trembling flowers,
And the forlorn trees

I opened my door

And walked towards them

I know what they are feeling

I know it all

I was one of them one day

And now I’m coming back home

I was in a dream

A perfect dream

A was in a song

A loftier Romantic one

I wrote the lyrics

And,

He sung

He captured a picture of love

Desperately, I was in

I was in and I was weary

Weary of the state I’m in

I watched him with Eternal Lids apart

As I know that he was a Miracle

And Miracles never last

And I couldn’t keep him , just ..

For a little longer

Now he is gone

And now I woke

I woke,  Not from my slumber

I woke from my waking

Now I can let my Lids Rest ..

 

Hello  ..

Hello  ..

Hello tattered spirits

I’m back

We could Rest now

And enjoy our splendid tranquil Sleeping .

دائرتي تضيق

الدائرة تضيق و تضيق

تنبعج و تنحصر

و نفسى تلام و تنكسر

أصبحت وحدي

لا رفيق و لا حبيب

أصبحت كمثل بحر فارغا

جفت مياهه و ماتت أحياءه

و مل أنيسه من طول إنتظار متيم عشقه

فما للعشق إلا أن يعشق موته

و من شدة الألم

إختنق الحزن من شدة حزنه

فما نفع نداءه و لا بكائه

فما من ملبي و لا شفيع لدمعه

الدائرة تضيق و تضيق

فرجوت الزمن

مهلا علي أيها الزمن إن في عمري بقية

دعني لا تسرع عقاربك

و رجوت المكان رفقا بي أيتها الجدران

إني أختنق

لا شأن لي أني ولدت بخيال واسعا

يحملني الى أول الكون و آخره

و نسيت أن دائرتي تضيق

وغفلت عن أن يوما سوف يأتي علي و أختنق

فقد أحببت و عشقت يوما فارسا

و أحط عنقي بلآلئ عقده

و صرخت بأعلى صوتا .. لا لن أعشق غيره

و أنتظرته طويلا فقد ذهب

ذهب بعيدا عني و ما آتى مرة ثانية

ربما ما أحبني .. ما تركني أخطو درب قصوره العالية

وربما كان خيالا نسجته

لأجد نفسي غارقة في لذاته  و من الواقع هاربه

خيالا … خيالا

إلى متى سأظل أدور أدور بثوب و حذاء مسحور

في ليل صاخب و أرقص مع أمير مفتون

إلى متى سأترك نائمة و في حلقي غصه

فلست بياض الثلج عندما أنتظرت قبلة حبيبها

و إلى متى سأظل أهرب من واقعي

و أعيش في زمن قديم جميل لم يقدر لي أن أعيشه

و أتسلل بين اغصان أشجار عاتيه

و أخطو بين حدائق ورد شائكة

و أجرح نفسي بما هو ليس لي

فقط لأني أشعر بأمان و حب برئ

و أعود للوراء لمجرد لحظات معدودة

إلى زمن الحب الجميل

و غفلت عن أن دائرتي تضيق

و ما تبقى إلا القليل

والشمس رحلت بعيدا عني

و الليل آت بظلمته ووحشته

و أيضا آت بنجواه

فالسماء ما زالت فوقي ولم تطوى كطي السجل

و هناك أعلاها من يسمع تؤهي

ويعلم بقلة حيلتي ومشاعري المكنونة

فما علي إلا أن أنتظره أن يحدث أمرا كان مفعولا

 

ما الأحلام إلا أوهام خيلاء

الى متى سأظل اعاتب الزمن الذي لم يضعني في دربك لكي ألقاك

الى متى سأظل أبحث عن مثيلك .. الى متى سأظل أبحث عن سراب

نقطة ماء انت تحييني تنقذني من مصير الموت في هذه الصحراء

صحراء قلبي .. عمري ..  صحراء جرداء بلا نبض و لا حياة

لماذا لم يقدر لي أن أرتمي بين ذراعيك

 وأحيا أحيا بين حب مجنون و حنان وحياة رغداء

وأطير أطير بين أرضي و سمائك و أكون طائرك الغناء

و ألهو و ألعب في حديقتك و أقطف منها زهرة حمراء

لكي أضعها في كتابي بين أشعاري

وتصبح رمزا لحب لا ينتهي وإخلاص ووفاء

لماذا لم يقدر لي أن أراك في كل صباح و مساء

في كل وقت وفي كل مكان

نتجول في الطرقات و نعد معا عدد القناديل الصفراء

و أترك يدي في يدك لكي تشعر بالأمان و الدفئ

فما أحلى إحساس الدفئ في الشتاء

و أعطيك قبلة اتلمس من خلالها شفتيك الوردية

و أضم منها أنفاسك في صدري بدلا من أن تضيع هدرا في الهواء

ولكن الآن أنت تجلس بعيدا وحدك

تشرب فنجان قهوتك السوداء

و أنا هنا أجالس وحدتي في يأس و حزن و جفاء

أنت تعتصر ألما على قدرا كتب من قبل أن نحيا

وأنا انتظر أن التقي بعينان تغمرني دفئا .. تلهمني شعرا و شغفا بالحياة

عينان حنونتان ضحوكتان .. عينان مثل عيناك

لا أعلم الى متى سأظل أخوض حرب و أنا بلا سيف و لا درعا

هائمة على وجهي أبطش بطشتي الهوجاء

الى متى سأشعر بالضعف يتخلخل أوصالي بعد ما فقدت دعامتي

بعد ما فقدت من آتى بي الى هذه الدنيا

نعم فقدته و فقدتك و فقدت سعادتي و نسيت كيف تكون الضحكات

فإلى متى سأظل أبحث عن مثيل لك

و انا أعلم اني أبحث عن سراب

فما أنت الا حلم وردي

و ما الأحلام إلا أوهام خيلاء

Life is Fine — by Langston Hughes

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn’t,
So I jumped in and sank.I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn’t a-been so cold
I might’ve sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn’t a-been so high
I might’ve jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I’m still here livin’,
I guess I will live on.
I could’ve died for love–
But for livin’ I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry–
I’ll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!

A Quiet slumber Not A cold Death

Be with me , My love
Wake up my sleeping spirit
Can’t you see ?!
I’m still sleeping softly by your side
Just give me a reason to live for
Say .. ” You are mine and me yours “

Do not worry, I’m still alive
Touch my heart ,
Amidst this ocean of silence,
Don’t you hear ?!
A faraway pulse calling for you ?!
Saying ..
Save me , Save me

And my face ..  My poor face
It needs a warm wide smile
Light it up now with your common jokes
Bring back the rosy petals to my cheeks
And color my lips with pink by a kiss from ur seducing mouth

Help me to open my eyes to see
The beautiful celestial light, The glory of this night,
And the beauty of your quiet face
Give me a hug that I never had
Press your slender fingers into my back
Till they became a part of my body
Let me savor every Press and Release

Then sing me a song in whispers about words
I always wanted to hear, always wanted to feel
Whisper all this things your heart holds deep
Or whistle your familiar serenades
Those, You used to whistle to me and I was fascinated by
May be they would hasten my breaths
And, May be I will choose not to die

So seek not my love , the fear
Shed a smile,
Drop not a tear
I will never stop listening to the voice of our love
I will not leave you,
I will disappear,
In your Arms and I will plunge,
Into your angelic romantic world
For I’m with you
And you with me
Then I will wish to stay entrapped forever with you for all Eternity.

Atonement

I am wearing black on my white skin,

I opened my eyes to see everything dim

I pointed my fingers to see,

Any mirrors in front of me

Any mirrors for finding the real picture of the real me

Asking myself ..

 

Why I dressed black ?!

Why I’m blind ?!

What sins I did,

To be punished like this and cursed ?!

 

My arms , my hands are lying idle

My breaths are barely escaping my heavily weighted chest

Lacking In sense I am

For I’m millions of dreams had failed,

Millions of tears had burst

 

Ohh My Namless fears .. My countless tears

I shed Countless bitter tears that leave burn holes in the ground

And prevented me every night from sleeping safe and sound

 

Why do I feel as I’m the devil ?

Why I treated as I’m the only sinner ?

A flower was never meant to survive

 

I lost my petals

I lost my love, My only one

And my father is not here Anymore

He is staying away from me

There ,

In the Cemetery

 

And I’m standing here all alone on a garden clouded by shadows

Gazing in my hourglass whose sand ran,

And my life suddenly came to a halt.

Listening to unrehearsed song,

From some sad tired gulls.

And tasting the last bitterness of life

For I took all the pain before

And I was ready to take more,

But I run out of time.

 

I wish that flame whose burnt my heart from the start
had burnt me to Ashes

But I stayed to let the fire consuming me slowly,

Then renewing me again by the sweetest lies,

By the sweetest illusions

To atone for my sins.

 

Now I finally found that I can neither feel pleasure nor pain

For I became a grave having No visitors

So, Life for me now is a fake addiction I must quit

So I quit

 

My creator .. My Merciful .. My Allah

Take this failing heart

Take this broken soul

But not before

Atonement.