So Long my baby girl ..

Born- 21 sep 2010

Died- 21 sep 2010

When the brain works right, It helps you be thoughtful, playful, romantic, intimate, committed, and loving with your partner.

When the brain is dysfunctional, It causes you to be impulsive, distracted, addicted, unfaithful, angry, and even hateful, thus ruining chances for continued intamcy and love.

So Mr. Daniel, you are saying that Men sorry “Egyptian Men”
All of them Well “No Offense” Most of them .. The vast majority are suffering from a brain damage, OKAY, I Got it ..

When you went I became a hopeless drifter

It has been a terrible year and a half without you

I madly miss you

And desperately wish you were here now

Without you now I see
How fragile the world can be
And I know you’ve gone away
But in my heart you’ll always stay

So long My Father

Till the day we meet Again ..

No Wedding Party — No Wedding Party; So what ?!

I will travel outside Egypt and enjoy a nice trip instead, then go to do 3OMRA  after and that’s quite fair I think. yes It is fair Enough.

This

is

My

Last

Decision ..

And hmm well … ” No consequences in advance, you only know the consequences when the line is crossed and a decision is made.”   – Pyke Kubic in CA$H movie –

May Allah help me to not Regret this dangerous fateful decision.

Note : I will not listen to anyone or any thing but the voice in my head and the satisfying that fills my heart.

Eliza is a full time housewife, she ‘s a mother of two kids.

Suddenly; Eliza finds herself doing the same things in the same ways everyday from the time she wakes up untill the time she goes to bed. And she can’t cope anymore, she can’t stand herself doing a series of small repetitive actions.

Finally she collapsed and decided to leave the city.

With a very angry face Eliza left the city on her way to New Jersey then took this huge step back after she had picked up the call from her husband who was trying to rescue their kid and kick a lollipop out from his throat then the writer actually took us to a very nice conversation in trying to show her husband’s understanding although he was very busy and always not at home but I liked his lines so much, they were short, specific, a bit funny and absolutely they were having an Aim.

The Funny thing is; while I was watching the conversation I imagined the Scenario not by Uma therman and Anthony Edwards but by an Egyptian couple :) It would definitely lead to different Results.

Let’s see the conversation :

Eliza: What could possibly possess you to give a toddler a known choking hazard?

Avery: Don’t lecture me, Eliza.

I could just as easily lecture you.

Eliza: Really? For what?

For doing all the idiotic errands?

For listening to mothers in the park who need to be medicated? While you get to go to work with real adults and have normal adult conversation.

Avery: Oh, yeah, like having Morris ream me out

because I had to leave work to take care of Lucas?

You mean those kind of normal, adult conversations?

Eliza: You got an envelope at home today,by the way.

Some messenger guy delivered it.

Avery: Oh, yeah, right.

Eliza: He…

He helped me carry my bags upstairs,and so I let him come in for a while.

Avery: You what?

Eliza: I let him come in,and he blew up balloons.

Avery: You let a messenger come into our apartment and decorate for our daughter’s birthday?

Eliza: His name was Mikesh,and he was just being nice.

He looked at me like I was a person who might still have something worthwhile to say.

Avery: I always tell you that you have something worthwhile to say.

You…

You need a stranger to tell you that?

Was he good-looking or…?

Eliza: He looked at me like I might still be somebody worth looking at.

Avery: How could you not know that you’re worth looking at?

Were you attracted to him?

Were you?

Eliza: It’s just that you never look at me that way anymore, Avery.

Avery: Do you look at me that way?

Eliza: No, not really. Not enough.

But I still love you, Avery.

I really love you, but…

Avery: But what?

Eliza: It’s just that

every day from the second I wake up till the second I pass out cold,

my day, like the day of almost every other mother I know, is made up of a series of concrete, specific actions. And they’re actions that kind of wear away at passion, if you know what I mean.

The actions are petty and small like…

Like refilling coffee cups or folding underwear.

But they accumulate in this really debilitating way that diminishes my ability to focus on almost anything else.

Bigger things like, you know,

ideas or… politics or dreams of a better life.

Avery: Well, what would be a better life?

It wasn’t always my ambition to supervise a team of fatuous liberal arts graduates and edit their copy about traveling to places that we can’t afford to visit.

When we had Clara, I got a job with healthcare and a little bit of flexibility. It was a decision that we made.

We made the decision together. So I got a job that I can tolerate.

No more, no less.

You’re not the only one who’s made sacrifices, Eliza.

Eliza: Well, that still doesn’t explain why you can’t pick up your socks.

Avery: What do my socks have to do with it?

Eliza: Your socks have everything to do with it!

Avery: Eliza, all I wanted you to do in that piece was to stop hiding behind irony because it comes so easily to you.

I want to know what you really think.

I want to know what you really feel.

What makes you want to live a life with passion,
no matter how many socks you have to pick up.

What about that?

He was (quiet). She was honest. He helped her to understand what’s going on and to express her feelings by a positive way. He didn’t yell. He didn’t change the main subject.
He didn’t lose control.
He understood her and made her smile at last.
What A Man!

Happiness is a state of mind so I have to have a plan to make life much easier than it is now

As Mr. Burke at “Love happens” Movie said “Life gives you Lemons” and when that happen you have two options:

You can make Lemonade or Sour look

So under the conditions that I face nowadays; the un useful empty unbalanced sucked life I live since this golden circle piece of metal wrapped my finger, I became so much nervous, bored, saddy, and quiet in a very melancholic way.

That’s because I left my job, my one and only way to earn money, dignity and to feel respected and self confident.

I left it to become a house wife cause My fiance wanted that and believe it or not that’s his only wish from life. huh!

In his standards; being a house wife is the perfect way of living for a woman. Well, Now I’m nothing but broke and empty Because I fulfilled his wish .. Screw me!

I feel like I’m losing my spirit, my kefi as the Greek people say.

I feel like I’m walking on the runway and suddenly one of my high heels broke and I have two options:

Stand up quickly and smartly without being noticed by anyone pretending that I’m okay and continue walking with a face head high or ..

Every one would laugh at me and I will become the most stupid dumbest person ever, I will become the clown of the national Circus.

In my inner I don’t want to be a house wife

Some person eating, sleeping, snoring without getting paid.

The visible money, these pieces that make life worth living …
hey STOP! Stop it! I know what you’re thinking ..

Now you’re thinking that I’m selfish and I don’t understand the meaning of taking care of a husband and a baby comes later.

I do appreciate the married life and the whole meaning of giving giving giving thing but I’m talking about my future, my arranged plans, my twenty four years of learning and studying to become a person that matters..

Can’t blow that away

We must take under consideration that the success at work and social life leads to the success at home. It just need a grain of luck and a grain of patience and It would be perfect,

Hmm well not that perfect, I mean smart enough to deal with the both sides of life

Otherwise, Women; we will live in hell !!

About myself; I will burn slowly if I continue moaning between me and myself,
If I continue mumbling the two lines repeatedly and desperatly everyday;

I don’t belong to this life.
I miss participating to the world.

But No… I have a faith that I’m not one of these actors in “LOST” series, I will make a new fully hard plan and bear the consequences, I will do something will change the world for the better.

I will do something makes me feel happy because making Lemonade will always be my choice.

أحب عينيك اللتين تلونا بلون حبة اللوز، أحبهما وأحب طلتهما على وجهي وأعشق نعم أعشق طرفة جفناك عندما تطرفا طرفتهما البطيئة

ويسحرني ثغرك عندما يمتلك إحساسي ويذوب ويصبح جزء مني و من وجداني

وتأخذني أناملك إلى آخر الكون ويذهب عقلي و يتوه وينسى عقارب ساعة الزمان
وكأن هذه الأنامل تحمل أفيون، تحمل أخطر أفيون يخدر كل تفكيري ويحملني إلى السماء، أرقص و ألهو مع النجوم

ويعذبني صوتك في الليل عندما تهمس وكأنك تهمس لتقتلني بنوبة قلبية

ويأرقني ويزيد من أرقي عندما يهمك أمرا غيري أو يشتت عقلك شيئا آخرا غير مداعبتي

ويضحكني عدم مبالاتك عندما نقوم سويا بخوض موقفا خطيرا

ويجملني و يكملني وجودك بجانبي ويثيرغيرة الآخرين عندما دوما تعانقني

وتذهب بشتات عقلي عندما تغضب، تعند، تمل، تكل، تنقد، تتنهد ألما، تصرخ تفصح شيئا من الماضي

ويثيرني ويجذبني عطرك فإن هذه الزجاجة حتما تعرف جيدا كيف تمتزج مع عنقك صدرك يدك ملابسك لتيقظ في شغفي ورغبتي في إفتعال المواقف لأجد فرصة أستطيع فيها ملامستك

ويفزعني عندما تعقد حاجبيك وتباعد بين فكيك ويعلو و يهبط لسانك متمتما كلمات لا أفهمها

ويسكرني ويرنحني ملامستك لشعري الذي يمتد إلى أسفل ظهري
وعندما تباعد بين خصلاته لتلمس عنقي أو تمتد أكثر لتلامس أذني أكون أنا تجرعت من الخمر ما يجعلني لا أشعر بأي مفصل من مفاصل عظامي

ويعتصر قلبي حزنا و ألما عندما تمسك بين أصابعك لفافة التبغ و تشعلها و كأنك تشعل في قلبي أنا النيران بدلا منها وأختنق و لا أستطيع التنفس كلما أدرك أن مع كل شهيق لدخانها تقترب أنت يوما من نهايتك

فما حالي عندما تبعدك عني هذه اللفافة! فلتقترب نهايتي أنا قبل أن يأتي يوما لا أشعر بذراعيك يطوقوا جسدي

أحبك أحبك أحبك ولا أحتمل أي نوع من أنواع الفراق فقد فارقتني السعادة منذ أمد بعيد وفارقني أعز صديق وفارقني القريب فلن أسمح أبدا للدنيا أن تفرق بيني و بين حبيب يسعدني ويصاحبني ويربت على كتفي ويكون لي أقرب قريب

أحبك سأظل أرددها مع كل دقة من قلبي، مع كل شهيقا و زفيرا وكل طرفة من عيني وحتى في أحلامي

أحبك و سأظل أكتب و أروي القصص عنا

أحبك و أشكر عيناك التي تتبعتني فسأحبها دوما فقد قدمت لها كل قرابيني

My Engagement Day

Thursday, 19 Nov, 2009

If being crazy means living life as if it matters,

 Then I don’t care if we are completely insane.

{ Revolutionary Road }

Dear …..,

I do not know where to start or what are the proper words I should say for I can write them down without mistakes ..

I just wanted to tell you that I’m so obsessed with fairytales, I enjoy the moments that deport me from Reality and headed me to the Romanticism;      

The moments that open the gate for the flowing River with its rare flowers on each side that flows from my mind to embrace my soul with their Ecstasy, with their soft incense ..

I could be haunted with things people say they’re old fashion or they became some kind of antique,

I could taste the beauteousness in the simple figures, that leads me to gasp the air that full my lungs to the fullest then breathe it out in sobs and sighs wondering how could I translate what I saw in letters then sentences or into some poetic lines,

So I scratch my brain and stay for long in solitude and silence suffering from a burning mind and tied tongue as I’m not educated the much that let me inform the paper of the words that I should write; For all I have is a feeling winnowing by the winds of the melancholic Reality,

My eyes plays a distinct role in this Drama, the eyes that you praise them as much as you praise a passionate kiss from a virgin lass, They constantly need to hug the landscapes with their sight, to see the fields with green, to see the hills and the slopes surrounded with flowers pink and red and white ..

But they constantly need to be kissed to sleep as well; for none of what I told you they ever seen,

It is only anguish that aches their lids and imprison each one away from the other,

I may refer this to my name, as I always observe that the most beautiful colour of Iris is the bluish-purple, The colour of Saddening !

Forgive my blueness, I envy your optimistic way of thinking, your practical mind but I do not know why for a moment I thought you will be the immortal messenger of  the letters that I have always waited for ..

My inspiration and My feelings both were anxious for hearing from you,

Your messages were intensely desirable, were the spark that lighted my mind to imagine a fairytale would last forever,

Your Eyes and their undefined colour were and still a mystery I crave to unfold and it took me long time to discover; Could your smile relate to those eyes?! Could this smile with its pure serene relate to those mystic caves?!

But the answer is still some dots and some exclamation marks …. !!!!
Though In my fantasy I know you well, In Reality you’re still unknown.

Yours,
Sp!r!t.

I wished to get A Reply, I wished to get A single Response to
my feelings, my yearning, my Letters ..
A single sign to keep on dreaming of Fairytales,
To keep on seeing myself with my beloved as A story among the Books of Tales,
Wished to stand more than this;
And Face off the consequences of being Alone ..
But I gave up!

My Love, My Soulmate, My Fantasy
Adieu!