shsh

Good bye July… August, Please be nice

Saturday,25 July, 2009

It’s been a long month, really…

A long cheerless dolorous melancholic month,

Started of 9 Jul the first anniversary of my father’s passing and ended hopefully today.

Yes it is July, I remember that my father was always telling me that he doesn’t like those two months {July & August) in the year and he always Waited them with anticipation to end.

Telling me; Sawsan those two months are like hell, the town became so crowd and lousy because of people who works in the rich Arab countries, they comes in particular in this two months with their huge GMC cars and Choking us,
When this people gonna leave us alone…

Hmm dad, you are the one who left, left us in this dreary world alone and bare, I hope you found now the better convenient place for you, hope you found heaven and rest forever in peace.

Well, my house has been in a mess in the past few days.
Every one has a problem and something fateful gonna change his life forever,

Starting with my eldest brother who for some stupid reasons will be prevented from entering the last exam in his Egyptian Board after five heavily years of studying and working in surgical operations as he is a doctor, and he is now negotiating with the person in charge, hmm… Actually Begging!!

And my youngest brother who graduated finally from his high school and here it came the time which he should decide which college he wants to join it.

Me…

I’m living inside my head and that’s my problem, I know my self well and I’m living with this without making any move to change my way of thinking but something should happen to me from time to time to remind me that I should think out side the box, I should think and expect the good behavior and the bad one from people               

I trust people; I genuinely trust people, I trust their words and their promises and not just that, I go farther in thinking that leads me to say “I believe in”

Believe in their promises; believe in them while I should believe only in myself cause every time I get hurt

(I will add a word “BADLY” because I’m so sensitive I get hurt easily and badly)

May be I should slow down in drawing castles and making a fake Empire of trust because obviously; not all people like Lord Melbourne, as he was a good friend and a great advisor to queen Victoria.

Hmm, Finally My poor Mom who suffering badly from high pressure, hot atmosphere and the absence of her Mixer!!

And recently just yesterday night she received unexpected call from her fellows telling her that her mother {My Grandma} passed away…

What a chock !

That was “The straw that broke the camel’s back”

Everyone went in a deep silence,

Our brains shut down, our bodies lied idle
and the clock had ceased their chiming and every breath seemed to be wasted…

Death again

Again death !!

At this time I felt Emily Dickinson’s words seemed to be switched on my brain again;

Because I could not stop for death,
He kindly stopped for me,
The carriage held but just ourselves
And immortality.
We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

This poem shows that death is not to be feared since it is a natural part of the endless cycle of nature,

And the poet “Emily” was optimistic about her ultimate fate and appeared to see death as a friend…

That was the overall theme of this poem Such as the analysts said and that’s exactly what I feel now…

I realized that death should be acceptable in our lives because the intertwinement of life and death.

And we are meant to lose the people we love.

And about the problems and the successive events we face everyday in our lives; I think we have to be satisfied with everything happens to us because everything happens it happens for a reason and as they say ..

“Every cloud has a silver lining”.

 

 

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The Twilight

July 23, 2009

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The Twilight

When the lights and flickers gone to sleep and everything is shshsh… except the wave crashes,
That’s the twilight…

When the pictures showing nothing but silhouettes
And the sky became so pale and moon is preparing to bright
I know it is the twilight…

When I gaze and gaze on the sky
Waiting for the crowd stars
To make a wish; for my beloved is so, so far

And the wild night is coming soon
Want not to be alone
So, I have to hast and make a wish
At this sweet twilight

While the sea is my witness;
I lied under the palm, I closed my eyes
I told, revealed and poured it all

Then I felt a dancing breeze hitting my nose
As if it was a hint, a magic hint
From a star yet not showing

I silently laughed and waited for the fulfillment.

A Happy Old Man

July 23, 2009

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Once upon a time, there was an old man, a decent generous old man,

He devoted all his life for whom around and he was so utterly content…

His mission was to please everyone, spread the joy and love,

To surround them with green fields and the blue sky above…

Never complained, for that’s the way he feel fully satisfied and lively,

Sea was his only companion in his solitude…

Whenever he wants to embrace his childhood memories and the old days,

He comes to the sea, sit down and look at the far horizon with his sheen eyes,

And recalling everything, every moment…

Saying to himself, thank God I did the right choices in my life.

Dedicated to him

July 7, 2009

I don’t need Wine to be drunk

For I’m already sailed and sunk

Beneath the blueness of your Lustrous Eyes

But the waves carried me to the shore

Then your eyes poured me;

Softly and silently

As if I was a gentle rain drop

Then I started an amusing tour

To pick the white petals on your cheek

But swiftly I got stuck

In the hollow of your seducing dimple

And at this time I decided to take a rest

For I know your are smiling

And when you smile my love

The dancing universe reveals

The happiness it feels and it never stops.

 

 

My Life came to A Halt

June 27, 2009

halt

Hello,

It’s been a while since I last wrote

I was distracted by stupidity, an immense amount of stupidity but I’m fine now, I struggled as much as I could,

I think I’m back to my quiet lonely life now
I’m back to my usual routine – {Back to Monotony}

Thank God that Everything run its course ..

Just Now I can write with a clear mind, About the past few days ..

I was fighting to survive among A chain of Galaxies that kept spinning around me, Narrowing the circle till I was this close from Madness and Losing Control !!

But by the End; I scored A high level on Resistance and A very Low level on curbing my nerves from Exploding

So Here’s the Question ..
Could any body tell me please What on Earth makes a family push so hard on an orphan girl whose father had passed away to accept an old traditional proposal from someone who hardly had an interested subject to talk about ?!!

Well.. This poor orphan is Me and this family is Mine

Shame on them All

I said No, then A hail of bullets started to hit me as if I was a criminal or something;

And every bullet was headed to destroy a special thing in me

Bullet to My Ambitious, Bullet to My Talent, Bullet to My Feelings, My own Dreams ..
A strong Bazooka to my heart where I have the most great ideas for Love, different loveliest ones ..

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

That was my Action,

A very hard long tough “No”,
I screamed as if I was a fat actress singing in the Opera or so;

But the Audience here were the Neighbors .. lol

And all that serial Fighting Remains nothing but Confusion; cause hey ! I don’t give up easily, I’m unruly girl .

So please Disturb Not my Dreams
Disturb Not my Green Flourishing Slopes in my head

But I wonder Why all this ?!

All of this because he is Rich ! and have a political position !! Okay shit;
I don’t care ..

I don’t care for such things, I just need someone who can feel the Romanticism, “A Love Seller”

Yes A Love Seller Who give love without getting paid, someone has different way , different ideas as mine, someone I crush with him at the first sight, Not a Motionless one !!

I may not find him, May be he does not exist,

I may actually end up old toothless women with grey hair and wrinkled skin before I saw him, but it is okay with me

I can wait; I can wait in the hope that I see him one day because it feels so damn Right when you are 100 % sure with this someone who will share you his life and his everything

I know that years must go by in sad uncertainty, First

God knows for How Long !

And How Strangely is this ?! But we can’t accept the wrong lest we become lonely .. Am I Right ?

Well, I want to say that I just needed some Supporting, Encouragement instead of fighting this trivial Battles;
Someone tells me that I did the right choice; and following my heart’s voice is a good thing.

I don’t give a damn if he was Mr. Right { In their Standards ) or
Mr. Wrong or Mr. James Bond even !

Hellooo, This is a whole life, A high price one way ticket ..

Oh God .. They were talking about My Happiness !! ,

My Happiness !!!!

I can’t say YES to everyone at everything as Jim Carrey in “ Yes Men Movie “ , I can’t please everyone ..

And as my friend said to me once “ Trying to please everyone is a well proven formula for Failure and Misery “

So I must feel that he deserve this high price,

I must take into consideration the fact that this ticket with No Return !!

I must be happy when I’m with him, I want to be happy in my married life ..

Hmm, I’m not just scrawling some words all over the paper here, I told you all a true story about fighting to survive and surviving to move on and wait, and waiting for one Reward

Please if anyone already having his Reward please appreciates what you have, Think first before losing it or blowing the things up

It is a Precious precious Gift, A heavenly boon ..

And for whom waiting, I’m still waiting with you people

I have nothing further to do !!

nameless

 The Guy I Don’t Even Know his Name

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The day started with a song “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” to “Shirelles“ cause I assigned it to be the Alarm on my cell phone to wake me everyday at 7:45 Am,

“Shirelles” were an American girl group in the early 1960’s which I adore the 60’s songs,
They are absolutely fascinating, Who doesn’t love oldies anyway ?!!

After 15 minutes of rolling in my bed as usual, I finally got up…

Went to the bathroom, did the usual stuff I do every Morning then dressed quickly…

But not for going work,

Today I took it off, I had something different to do; I had to renew my driving license ..

So I just took a sip of my tea and quickly ran down the stairs to catch up the appointment ..

I drove my car almost for 5 minutes as I live in a small town, then in a quick I arrived at the place I want ;

But I took 10 minutes to find a spot to park my car and finally I found one, Thanks God for that ,

While I was stepping out of my car, A guy shouted on me telling ..
“This is my spot”, After a second or so, I Realized that
he is an Apricot seller !

I did nothing but showing a big wide smile on my face telling him
“I won’t be Late” and left him mumbling words only God knows what he said .. lol,

Hmm,

To renew a driving License in my country, you have to do a series of hard steps ;

The first one is to go to the court building to know how many traffic violations you did and pay for them,

And that what I was doing today,

After I had left the Apricot seller I headed to the court building, took the elevator seven Floors above the ground then walked a long long hall then I found myself alone with from 20 to 25 guys waiting their turns in front of a tiny window and they weren’t in Line,
It was just a mess…

I waited and waited till the guy behind the tiny window
“It called Mr. George by the way” noticed me and realized that I was struggling to survive among these sweaty old disgusting men,

He asked for my name, took my license and told me that I will wait the prosecutor to decrease the money that I will pay, so again I waited…

While I was waiting among this chaos, suddenly the crowd started to shrink to allow someone to pass,

But who the hell is he to make them do such shrinking that quickly ?!!

Well I didn’t care, I just enjoyed these seconds and tried to breathe some fresh air but the sudden silence made me carious and pushed me to raise my head up a little because at this time I was picking up my purse because it had fallen,

I rose up my head slowly to find myself standing in front of two splendid outstanding handsome guys !

I froze for a while, gazing on them and saying to myself  ..
{ Am I in heaven } !!

It was so hilarious but hey…

Don’t think me that I’m over reacting No, please No…
It was just like finding two oases in the desert… lol

After a while I understood that one of them is  ..!! Guess who ??

The prosecutor and the other is his friend then the prosecutor asked Mr. George with a strong tough layer of his voice to finish all the necessary papers to his friend immediately…

Poor me…
I wished to be his friend too at that moment,

Then in a glance his friend stood in front of me and I was standing in front of him, only inches between us;
He looked at me by wondaring eyes so did I, Then I don’t know why it turned to a stare !

The chemistry did its Interactions !!
I felt like Spring at that moment ..
Could this be true ? Could spring skip summer, autumn and winter and come again to flourish the place suddenly just like that ?!!

Hmm .. I have no idea !!

I swear I heard “James Blunt” singing his song “You’re Beautiful”
And in particular,
This part…

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

Then I woke up to Reality again and went to pay the money I have to pay to get the last paper and ..

Surprise ! Surprise ! He came after me and stayed till I finished,

We even shared a joke and I think he laughed…

Then I left the room and waited in the hall for someone to bring me back my license and guess what?? He left the room and stood in the hall too, laying his perfect body on the wall,

Then I heard the guy calling my name , gave me my License and finally it was time to leave,

I did nothing but finding a way to pass among the crowd leaving that scene behind even without a peek to say good bye with the eyes, hoping he will follow me as we see in the Romantic Movies,

I walked the long hall slowly and I didn’t take the elevator, again I was hoping to hear this word “Wait”…

But I realized that I’m not in A Movie and these things never happened in the Real Life and I can’t undo all the time I’ve wasted in leaving to get back to him,
I left ..
And he headed on the other direction and each one went to his separate Life.

Do you remember this Movie { The curious case of Benjamin Button } when Daisy asked Benjamin about what he was thinking and he said ..
I was thinking how nothing Lasts ..
Then she looked into his eyes and said {Some things Last)
Yes that’s true Some things Last,
Moments like these last forever ..

Hmm ..
By the way when I went to my car I found the guy “ The Apricot seller “ still mumbling words !!

Well I drove my car and left as the Mission was accomplished .

And that what happened today and this is the story about the guy I don’t even know his name.

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The 7 things I like about you

1- Your Artistic view, The way you see things and appreciate them so well and how much it is amazing when you makes us see the beauty of this Universe thru your adoring eyes.

2- The Warmth in your voice and how this bring tears to my eyes and every time you start to sing I breathe out , I sigh , A sigh of relief  ..
I feel that your lilting voice is touching gently every fiber in me,

As every tone melts my soul slowly then exploding a combination of the most romantic emotions I have ever had or felt before.

3-  The way you talk and the way you listen,
It is  pretty good to find someone care, someone show you the light when darkness is all around and falls deeper and deeper,
Where in this time could we find such a person ?

Hmm, well ..
I found you.

4- The way you show how much you are so self-confident and the impression you always leave is that you are capable to do everything in this world just because you have ..

– A new different idea,
– Two hands wants to build the structure of a golden frame,
– And a Dreamy heart filling this precious frame with everything you want it to be happen.

5-  Your New Things ..

Every day you show up with a new conversation, a new story, new joke, a whole new person,

I never felt that I’m boring however you every day finds out something special in me,

You opened my eyes for things I never known in my personality before.
I remember someday I was feeling frustrated,
I was confused, so lost and you didn’t ask why…!!

People ask all the time
How are you?
Are you okay?
Is it something wrong?

And the usual answer the automatic one comes at once and we say,

I
am
Fine

I am Fine

This repeatable uncomfortable answer ..

Remember ..

“Elizabethtown”
The Movie ..
“Drew Baylor” { Orlando Bloom } kept saying
I’m Fine  .. I’m Fine .. I’m Fine  although he was in the Middle of his grief on his father’s Death.

So  “I’m Fine “ , In fact it ain’t an answer !

But you didn’t
You didn’t ask me that day
You acted another different situation

You just opened a window to my imaginary world,
You just set a bird free.

6-   hmm, here it comes { The nicest thing } ..

Has anyone told you before that you say “ Okay ” in the most magnificent way I have ever heard ..

I love it
I love it
I love it

7- This one should be to your adorable smile and to your outstanding laugh,
An hundred years should go to praise this smile,
Two hundred to adore each cheek,
But thirty thousands to satisfy my eyes from looking at your delighted face.

And this was the last one but of course not least ..

So, to be continued  ..
Cause I’m pretty sure that there are more beautiful hidden things,
I don’t know about them yet.

Infinite Magic

May 4, 2009

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Your Eyes can’t lie

No can’t lie

They are Innocent, Florescent

Glowing in the Dark Glowing from Optimism, Passion and Desire

But Most of All from Love

They are Extracting joy from life

Expending their brightness in vain

I myself hovered into your eyes And in a quick, you erased all my pain

Your voice can’t hurt

No, Can’t ever hurt

Neither your song

It is all about Love And it will always echoes in my thoughts and in my heart

It was soothing me, Taking me to the imaginary Fairies Land

Flying me to the farthest skies; You and Me Hand to Hand

Your touch I never known, Poor me I never known

Never savored its dove

Never been attached to your skin my Love

Your lips is a hunting arrow Kept hunting my feelings endlessly

Its molasses entrapped me, Entrapped my heart beats’ privacy

Oh, I ache for this Intimacy I ache for this Intimacy

Alas !! I thought you are my shelter, My Night’s whisper

I thought you are Me; Finding my soul Finally

And no more my tired body will live in Solitary

I thought a thousand thoughts A thousand ideas A thousand laughs I will share it with you

A thousand words A thousand letters I will write you

A thousand Moments that I will miss, your eyes and everything attached to them

I may be Simple

I may be Quiet

I may be a dreamer

I may be a tiny star unnoticed among the nearing ones whose brighten your night

But I have my own eyes And they are all I have And I saw the kindness in yours

I saw clarity I saw the magic go infinity

I saw Heaven And sensed by my face a magical breeze

I saw a Poet,

An Artist But Alas, My Love I’m not your Masterpiece .

Tattered Spirits

April 24, 2009

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The hours seems endless

Darkness is the only thing here

Except the dim light from my last candle
whose consuming to exist

I thought I could write before it gone

But all I got here is an empty sheet,

And a full bottle of ink

I’m lost as my candle

I’m torn as my sad odes

He tore my heart in sunder

In love senseless game

No words could describe such a pain,

Such a shame

And oft in my solitude I sigh

And oft I remember his voice and cry

Till I heard a plea ..

I opened my window

I can see and I can hear

Other lost spirits

Walking, walking to and fro

Calling me to join them

And share them their despair

Beneath the moon’s pale beams

Among the trembling flowers,
And the forlorn trees

I opened my door

And walked towards them

I know what they are feeling

I know it all

I was one of them one day

And now I’m coming back home

I was in a dream

A perfect dream

A was in a song

A loftier Romantic one

I wrote the lyrics

And,

He sung

He captured a picture of love

Desperately, I was in

I was in and I was weary

Weary of the state I’m in

I watched him with Eternal Lids apart

As I know that he was a Miracle

And Miracles never last

And I couldn’t keep him , just ..

For a little longer

Now he is gone

And now I woke

I woke,  Not from my slumber

I woke from my waking

Now I can let my Lids Rest ..

 

Hello  ..

Hello  ..

Hello tattered spirits

I’m back

We could Rest now

And enjoy our splendid tranquil Sleeping .

أغلق الدفتر

وتاهت رائحة القهوة وما عاد مكاني هو عنوانها

وصمتت نغمات الهاتف و ما عادت تتردد في أرجاء المكان

رحلت

تركت فتاتك ورحلت

أتيت في أول الشتاء و في آخره ذهبت و بعدت و أنا شقيت

كيف حالك يا فتاة , كنت تجلس أمامي كل صباح  و ترددها

ألم تعلم إني سأفتقدك بشدة و سأفتقدها

لا أصدق إني لن أرى عيناك البندقيتان مرة ثانية

ولا أصدق إن المكان سيخلو من عطرك الفضي و من ضحكاتك الطفولية

لا أصدق .. عقلي يرفض أن يصدق

إنك تركتني وحدي

تركت فتاتك

تركت فتاة كان اسمها زهرة الزنبق

الآن أصبحت الزهرة صخرة

لا تشعر بأي إحساس

يراها الآخرون و لا يبتهجون كما كانوا يبتهجون

فقط يحزنون لصمتها

ولكن عذرا لها

كلما أحبت أحدا تركها

وكلما أنست جليسا أبعده القدر وحال بينه و بينها

و عذرا لها

فإنها تراك نقطة إلتقاء الأمان بشواطئ خوفها

وفصل معتدل أجوائه في وسط فصول خريفها

ونجمة ساطعة عالية

تحارب السحب العنيدة لكي تستدل هي منها على دربها

ولكنك رحلت

لأنها تركت مدينة الخيال

وخطيت صوب عالم الأحياء

تاركة أشباح الأرواح التائهة

تاركة قلاعها العالية الخالية

تاركة كل أحلامها الزائفة

فقد أفاقت من نومها المديد

وستبحث عن جسد يحتوي روحها

ستبحث عن الحياة

فقد ملت من هبوب الرياح التي تدمر رمال مدينة الخيال

فما عادت الآن رياح و لا رمال و لا قلاع

لقد أغلق الدفتر

و رحلت أنت

و رحلت هي